Since when is my name a synonym for head?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
