Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize