i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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