At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
