there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize