Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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