You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
