His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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