So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
