She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
