Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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