He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Randomize
