So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize