apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
