new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
