Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
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