The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
