I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
