I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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