Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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