I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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