I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
