you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
