six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
