Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
