Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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