There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
