I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
