I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
