Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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