Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you will always have a special place in my vag
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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