Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
