im drinking this country out of the recession.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
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