I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize