I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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