it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
smell my finger.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
