Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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