allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
