If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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