the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
