God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
