there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
