please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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