I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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