my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
