Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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