Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
