I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
