on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
