she looked like the bat from fern gully.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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