I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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