So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
