he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize