he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
