No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
