wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
did you just send me my own nude
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
