It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
