Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
