I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
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