I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
