My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
