So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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